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Bulletproof Positive Attitude

September 16, 2010

The name is by A.C. Ping; the class is from Kal Barteski; the idea is ours for the taking.   Sticks and stones and all that rot, we know it.  But it’s harder than I expected.  My art is my own and I do it because the seed of an idea grows inside my soul until it just wants out. Why would I care what anyone else thinks about it?  But I do.  I always have.  From the time I was 6 and a boy teased me for wearing my big sister’s chem goggles to kindergarten to the art teachers who never bothered with me because I had no “gift” for it to the sorority sisters who didn’t like the bat picture on my collage, I’ve known I was different but it wasn’t the right kind of different.  So I try to conform, keep myself to myself, only share where it’s going to be safe.  But what if?  what if strangers read my blog?  what if I put my art on a public Flickr page?  what if people don’t like it and say it is rubbish?  So what.  I like it or I wouldn’t put it out there.  But I’m still seeking some sort of validation… or I wouldn’t put it out there.  If the process were complete, I would be satisfied keeping it all inside these four walls.  I want people to see it, to like it, to be moved by it.

But even in the safety of this Nurturing Your Creativity class, where no one is going to fire bullets, I still feel like the awkward little poser wanting to hang with the cool kids, because my classmates don’t comment and the teacher says, “Nice.”  The very thing I was looking to take away from the class, I’m learning because of it.  If I can stop caring that no one is impressed, maybe I can even risk someone shooting it down.  Because if my art does want to be out in the world, to be experienced by someone who will love it, it must be out there, taking the risk.  I can be bulletproof, confident that what I’ve done is worthwhile, critics don’t matter, and it might spread joy and hope.

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