My Word for 2012
Sparks of beauty and flashes of joy are bouncing around in my skull again. My spirit is inspired, but my body feels weighed down. My imagination spins out swatches of happiness, things no one has ever seen before, that I should bring into being. But there they remain, glowing multi-colored and just out of reach. It is a gray weight, a wet wool blanket, a heaving lethargy about my shoulders, a heavy turban and too tight. The sunshine which should be coursing through my veins is wintry, watery, weak. Sometimes it’s the completion of a project which lags and gathers dust, but now it’s the commencement, the sketching, the choosing. My mind wants to dream more strongly than my hands want to create. Days pass with bare minimums met and I collapse at the end, just breaking even.
My word for 2012, it wasn’t a difficult choice. It took more time to find the letters than to decide on the word. January flew by on a predetermined schedule of travel and adventure. The first half of February has been just catching up with all that has been let go since the middle of December. Now is the time. Chocolate covered coffee beans are the (mighty tasty) symbol of my desire to be energized. Do you remember the scene in Total Recall when the evil doctor is attempting to trick Arnold into sedating himself? Taking the pill was to be a symbol of his desire to return to reality. I don’t know why that scene, that idea, has stayed with me, but every time I pop a pill with the notion that this tiny thing is going to change something inside me ~aspirin, contraception, big guns for the migraine~ I remember and wonder. Completely apart from any movie plot, how much does the physical symbology of our intentions matter? We expect that pill… or coffee bean… to accomplish something. Is it more effective when we kick-start the process by consciously thinking, “This is my intention,” then swallowing it? Our big human brains are amazing pieces of bio-machinery, running it all, and we’ve only just begun to suspect how much we don’t know about its capabilities.
So, when the cold fog crowds me into a corner, weighing me down, I will take that coffee bean… or 5… and proclaim out loud my intention: I will be energized.